Ritual
As a licensed therapist, I tend to find that people have all kinds of rituals, whether they call them that or not. Which, to be clear, I love. My only gripe is that those rituals could be developed in ways that better promote health and regulation. Which is why I help people purposely develop and practice rituals in intentional ways to support their emotional regulation, resilience, and security in self.
Sound like something you want? Well then, let’s get into it!
The Basics
According to the archaeologist Dr. Andrew Kinkella, the definition of a ritual is “symbolic behavior that is socially standardized and repetitive, either religious or secular, highly structured, and full of meaning.” Using this definition, we can see that humans have used a variety of rituals across looooooong stretches of human existence. At the very least, for over 400000 years. I don’t know about you, but when I wrap my brain around that, I end up with the classic takeaway: “if it ain’t broke, we don’t need to fix it.”
Creature of Habit
You see, it’s not always a bad thing that us humans have a tendency to repeat things. Sometimes, those things are wonderful. If you’ve ever described yourself as a creature of habit, you’ve probably realized this. And you probably also have some rituals happening in your life that serve you well already. Or at the very least, bear repeating (which usually happens because you’ve been positively reinforced, aka there’s a positive outcome associated with doing whatever it is that gets repeated). So why not work with our human tendencies AND what nourishes us at the same time?
Daily Ritual
Think about what you do on the regular already. What kinds of things have you built patterns around? Do you just have to get up at the same time everyday in order to get in some morning movement, followed by a refreshing shower? Or maybe you wake up slow and cozy, with extra pet snuggling time, before brewing up something delicious to kick off the day? Maybe you have a weekly shared mealtime with your beloved queermunity members? Whatever these repeated practices are, notice them. These are the examples of rituals that work well enough in your life to stick. Using these as a template to build from may be helpful as you consider what new ritual you want to bake into your life. Or, of course, you can always tack things into pre-existing ritual practices to modify what’s already working, with minimal extra effort.
What to Tack in
Well of course, I’m a therapist, so my full answer needs to be “it depends.” Every person’s life and needs are different, so it makes sense to take stock of yours
before changing your rituals. That being said, here are some ideas to get you going (but please customize from here!):
Setting the sensory vibe in your environment to maximum cozy
- Consider: what sights, smells, sounds, tactile feels, and tastes make you feel the coziest.
Breath practices
- Special callout here that breathing patterns with longer exhales reduce anxiety.
Mindfulness or Meditation
- Even a dollop’ll do. By that I mean: 1-5 minutes can really make a difference in your day.
Somatic/body movement (can absoluuuutely be low intensity)
- Stretch, tai chi, yoga, dance, etc, & even just doing random moves that resonate for no reason.
Beauty Ritual
- Think: skin, nails, and hair products, costumes/clothing (or lack thereof), accessories, etc.
Confidence building practice
- Start by giving yourself one true-feeling compliment. Bask in how it feels to receive.
Spiritual practices
- Lighting a candle, pulling tarot, communing with ancestors, bath ritual, doing a spell, etc.
How to Tack in
Slow and steady wins the race on this one, and it’s really just because that’s how humans are most effective at making sustained changes. As I like to tell my clients, “humans don’t change so good.” And that’s really because we have a tendency to put the cart before the horse in a wide variety of ways when we set out to make life changes. We brainstorm 30 things we want to do, we try to shove those into the spare minute we have available, and then we get frustrated when life throws us curveballs that throw us off course. In a huff, we drop all 30 of those ideas and assume that we, ourselves, are the problem. When it’s really not that. It’s that we tried to change too much, too soon, without actually building in ways to make that change realistic and sustainable. Which is okay, because we can totally do things differently. We just need to be intentional, curious, persistent, and kind to ourselves.
How to Actually Change
Start small. Instead of 30 ideas to implement, choose 1.
Don’t worry, once you get the 1, we can come back around for the others 1 by 1.Set boundaries to support the time and space you need to make that 1 change.
“Sorry mom, if you call during me-time, I won’t be picking up anymore.”Give the 1 change a try, but expect that you might encounter barriers.
If you expect them, you’re less frustrated by them & more able to learn from them.Collect your data about how things went like a scientist would.
Consider your curveballs objectively: were they unforeseen events, external forces, etc?Try again, with upgraded boundaries in place to manage the identified curveballs.
Do Not Disturb–ACTIVATED! Thoughts that I don’t deserve this–ADDRESSED!Celebrate success, and/or repeat the management of curveballs through curiousity.
Once all goes well, celebrate your wins– you’ll be positively reinforced to continue!
Addressing Deservingness
My best strategy for helping people start a ritual practice when folx aren’t sold on their own deservingness to access one is to ask them to experiement with one while still unsure of their deservingness. Why? Because I already know they’re deserving, and it really only delays things to get into a battle about it. If someone is willing to suspend their self-punishing views for an experiment or few, the effects of positive reinforcement have a way of helping the behavior continue from there. Which usually leads to other positive outcomes. Including in their emotional regulation, resilience, security in self. So really, we just need to bridge the gap from ritual-not-happening-at-all into happening-a-few-times.
If the person isn’t willing to take on the experiment at first, I ask them to treat themself how they would want the beloved people in their lives to treat themselves. Think of how happy it will make them! And then, of course, positive reinforcement will take over in this case eventually too.
Ritual Building FAQs
Okay, let’s talk about some of the common rituals folx build practices for in the FAQs below:
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If you’re looking to build a seasonal-specific ritual, I highly suggest researching what practices your ancestors used for celebrating the season, and then making them your own.
So, for example:
Autumnal Exquinox Rituals frequently include symbols relating to light and darkness being in balance, since it celebrates the time of year in which the light and dark hours in a day are in even standing. Therefore, you might decide that you’d like to celebrate by creating equal light and darkness for your ritual celebration. If you’re outside under moonlight, you might bring out some candles and lanterns, before doing a moon-gaze meditation, making a gratitude list for honoring the lessons learned in the previous months, and setting your intentions for the restful, dark-prominent days to come.
Beltane Rituals frequently include celebrating the abundance and heat that’s ramping up in the year. Fire and florals reign supreme in this time dedicated to love, fertility, and renewal. You might decide to make your own maypole or flower crown, build a bonfire and throw in an offering to symbolically fuel your upcoming abundance, take a ritual bath with some fresh or dried flowers, write a love poem dedicated to yourself or a loved one, or even brew some tea with Rose, Hawthorn, Peppermint, Lemon Balm, Chamomile, Elderflower, Dandelion, or Mugwort. -
My wiccan, pagan, and/or witchy-curious clientele usually ask me about this ritual when they’re trying to detach from a person, energy, or behavior of some kind. The purpose, essentially, is to return others’ energy and/or impact back to them, while refocusing and reclaiming one’s own agency. There are a lot of ways to do this kind of ritual. Typically, it involves two candles; one to symbolize the ritual practitioner, and the other to symbolize the person, energy, or behavior the person is attempting to detach from. Twine, or other symbolic chord/cord goes around those candles, connecting the two entities that will be detached. Then the intention to detach is stated or otherwise symbolically made, and the candles are allowed to safely burn until the twine is burnt, detaching the candles. I love to encourage folx to customize this ritual, fill it to the brim with intentionality, and please, for the love of all things good and wonderful keep it fire safe.
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After a recent tough day, I set vibes to super cozy by putting on a Youtube video with Lofi music and cute-spook visuals like cartoon black cats and ghosties (it’s currently late October), burned palo santo and a sage smudge, did a breathing practice with exhales twice the length of my inhales, journal, allow emotions of grief and anger to emerge without further judgment, check in with my Parts, and pull some tarot. All in all, it took me less than an hour, and when I finished, I felt completely reset even though I started the ritual highly dysregulated.
Ritual: Conclusion
Rituals can be oh so many things. The more customized, the better. At their root, they’re structured practices that get repeated over time and are chock full of symbolic meaning for the person practicing them. The way we get them to increase regulation is by ensuring that they’re custom fit to what helps promote regulation for our respective system. So we have to start by noticing what sights, smells, tactiles, sounds, and tastes produce feelings of safety and calm for us, specifically. Once we know those, we can back those into our practices, whether they’re pre-existing or brand new. From there, every time we repeat the ritual, we make an investment into our regulation, resilience, and sense of security in ourselves.
Hope that helps, y’all! May your rituals be nourishing, and your practices be regular!
Are you a resident of CA, OR, or MT that’s looking for some support in crafting your own rituals–reach out to me to help you custom create your own!